Thursday, March 29, 2012

Pierre Gauthier - Strange to the End

A very strange period in Habs history has come to an end.

Stranger than Juha Lind having a child with Gino Odjick.

It was as weird as it gets. To take a page out of Lewis Black's book, it was so weird that the left side of your brain looks at the right side of your brain and says, it's pretty dark in here.

The weird press conferences where almost no information whatsoever was conveyed to the media and the public, by extension. The sudden introduction of Mister into his lexicon when naming players then not only exacerbated the disconnect between the GM and the fans, it begged questions about a chronic social awkwardness that stands in stark contrast with the nature of the position he occupied. 

Unfit. Unwelcoming. Unrelenting.

There was no yield in Pierre Gauthier's cone of silence. Over time, he isolated himself to the point of alienation where only echoes of his pale voice would bounce off its lonely walls.

Darren Dregger today said that a dark cloud, a black hole had enveloped the city during Gauthier's tenure.  How damning is that assessment. Is that a brand Geoff Molson could market comfortably? 

Gauthier cut any emotional ties with the media with whom that social apprehension became pathological. He became increasingly disliked by the fans who could not thread the man into the emotional fabric hatched out of their love for a long line of wonderful people that drew a paycheque from this organization.

It this is just about the man's character. We haven't even gotten to the hockey part yet.

And there is no need to really. No point in rehashing here what you can read elsewhere. Most hockey moves were highly questionable, if not damaging to the team for years to come. Including this year, the team had a remaining invested total value of 109 million dollars in 4 of their top 6 forwards. Last week, those 4 guys together had amassed 79 points in 167 games. That's an average of 38 points per season per player. It's incomprehensible. And then the moves made concerning the blue line, in and of themselves, are all grounds for dismissal.

In the failure that he was from a hockey standpoint, Gauthier never showed any redeeming qualities that coaxed the fans into patience. They just didn't like him and in his highly spotlit position he did very little to be liked.

It was the only move to make. That post-mortem would have been a scathing exercise, and there was no point in putting the man through it. In the end Geoff Molson today became the real owner and finally arrived on the scene to make his voice heard. Strong, reassuring, emphatic with a fan base the next GM will have to cater to with a demeanour far more aware, respectful and forthcoming than Pierre Gauthier was ever able to exhibit. 

Today is the first day of the rest of our lives

So there you have it. Pierre Gauthier is gone like a fart in the wind. He leaves us with a legacy of diahrea. We've all been clamoring for this since the press conference that saw him get the job. Let's hope this is not just for Pierre. We all know Cunneyworth is gone and there's no rush to do it, but we need to see a major house cleaning on the 7th floor. Gauthier, Gainey, Jones, Fargus, all of them. Ok, so I made up Jones and Fargus, but you get the idea. They need a real fresh start.

Usually, the media never rejoices when someone loses his job. It's classless. And that's why I'm doing it. Rejoicing doesn't even begin to explain how we feel here at the PKists. We're well past joy, happiness and even euphoria. We're now bordering on orgasmic. This moron screwed this up bigtime. The trades for Kaberle and Bourque were fireable offenses. The Gomez signing was under Gainey's watch but Gauthier was our head of pro scouting, so he gets equal blame. But those moves pale in comparaison to the rage he ignites in me when he addresses everyone as Mister. That shit was infuriating.

So let's analyze the timing of this move. It's completely retarded. Classic Molson. What the hel happened in the last few weeks that convinced you to do this? We've known for months that this was a train wreck beyond repair. You should've either done this a long time ago or the day after the season. If this move jolts our players into a 4 game winning streak, I will hold Geoff Molson personally responsible. The consequence of which is absolutely nothing.

But let's not dwell on the details. Gauthier is out and we can finally start looking at the future of this team with some optimism. It was really impossible to feel any excitement about our team with him in the picture. He was a dark cloud of feces hovering over our city. He was a black hole sucking all enthusiasm out of the air.

So who's the poor bastard who gets his job?

Let the speculation begin!!

GAUTHIER FIRED!!!!

HOLY SHIT. I swear that today was the day I had set for my comeback. But then this news came in. March 29th is now an official holiday for the rest of time.

Stay tuned for reaction.

Thursday, March 22, 2012

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 22, 2012

Today's ringer, maybe even this year's ringer: Fabrice Muamba

Dead for 78 minutes and now resting in a London Hospital. It's an astounding story. After watching paramedics work on him for what seemed to be an agonizing forever, most of us thought tragedy had struck. Well it only lasted 78 minutes. Can you believe Muamba's luck that a cardiologist was sitting in the crowd when it happened and lead the charge on the pitch and in the ambulance. It's a story that reminds us that while we all love sports, they serve as a pale mirror of real, significant life.

The Habs played last night, but it was 30 degrees in Montreal. So while the Habs are beating records in futility, the city of Montreal is shattering records in celsius.

I would venture that last night may have been the least watched Canadiens game of the year. Meaning this post would make for the least read post of the year. So thank you, both of you, for reading this. 8th time this year the Habs have been held off the scoresheet. One more and we've got another record.

The Toronto Star is saying that GM Brian Burke may start feeling hot under his unbuttoned collar.

New York City is becoming home to the world's fundamentalist Christian athletes as Tim Tebow joins Jeremy Lin in the plight to avoid Broadway hookers and incessant Manhattan orgies. Good luck fellas.

Reports out of Montreal have it that the team will be buying out Scott Gomez. Hmmmm, on another note, I've decided to put my 11-month old son in a car seat instead of letting him ride shotgun with me. Nice job by the Habs for exacting vengeance on Tyler Myers for the hit that put an end to Gomez's career as a Hab.

Retire Tyler Myer's jersey now.

Tuesday, March 20, 2012

The Morning Bell for who the hell gives a shit

Hello PK'ists. I have to apologize for our effort this week. But can you blame us? What the hell else is there to say about this season? Not making the playoffs is bad enough, but not being comfortably in last place is even worse. As the Habs start flirting with the real disaster of finishing 25th or 26th, we are here contemplating what to write about such a season. We've said it all. Gomez sucks, Markov is made of paper, Desharnais-Cole-Pacioretty have been the only constant, PK finally salvaged his season, Price was good, Emelin was a nice surprise. I got nothin' else.

You know things are slow when the airwaves are dominated by unconfirmed reports that Patrick Roy will be the next coach. I wanna meet this blogger who gets people talking like that by pulling stories out of his ass. This makes no sense at all. Not because Patrick is a bad choice (god knows there is a long list of pros and cons), but because there is no way you can hire him without knowing who your GM is. You can't saddle the new GM with such a polarizing figure like #33. Pierre Gauthier better be on his way out. If he is, you can't hire the new GM and tell him this:

Molson: Hi new GM. Your coach is Patrick Roy. He's a god in this city and everybody likes him more than you. You can't fire him or tell him what to do. Come to think of it, he's your boss. He likes to be called Saint-Patrick and takes coffee black.

To make things even worse, I used to love seeing the Leafs get killed, but now, they are dangerously close to last place, so I have no choice but hope they win. This season has been pure torture.

Saturday, March 17, 2012

Have you ever seen people so happy after a tie?

The impact scored their first MLS goal today in what was a great moment for soccer in Montreal. 50,000 ethnic people made the courageous journey to the big O. I guess most of them haven't seen the news lately. Are they nuts? That's like going to a game in Bosnia. You never know when a huge cement pillar will crush you like a cockroach.

If there was ever a year for the Habs to miss the playoffs, this is it. The Impact would have 4 greeks watching them if the Habs were making a push for the playoffs, or dare I say a cup run. It sucks but that's the way it is. Personally, I find soccer played outside the World cup and the Euro is insanely boring. There's something about wating 90 minutes for a goal that doesn't sit right with me. And the fact that some guys are walking. But hey, that's me.

In any case, let's enjoy this moment. It will probably be a tough season for the Impact, and that's to be expected for any expansion franchise. I fully support them, although I ain't dragging my ass all the way to the east end to watch them.

What's the point??

The point. Such a simple concept. You get two for winning, none for losing. Unless of course to lose in overtime. Or the shootout. That's why Americans hate this game. Would you ever start following a sport if your local team's record was 25-16-7-9??? Who the hell has time for all that analysis.

Speaking of points, let's discuss how a few measly points could spell the difference between a successful shitty season and and an unsuccessful shitty season. The Habs banked another useless point last night by having the game go to OT. Remember when this season was a disaster but we were at least comfortably in 28th place with a good shot at 29th? Well those days are over. The recent moronic successes of this team has tightened things up. We are no longer in last place in our conference and just a few points separate us from 25th place. So instead of the silver lining of a top 3 pick, we will get a much riskier top 6 pick. And all for what? I'll give you a hint. It rhymes with wheat buckall.

Tonight is the biggest game of the season. WE HAVE TO LOSE. For the love of god, just lose. Play Keberle 58 minutes and put Blunden on the first line. Pacioretty in nets and Cole a healthy scratch. Do whatever it takes, but stay in the basement of the eastern conference. With 10 games to go, we can easily find ourselves with the 7th or 8th pick in the draft, and that would be tragic. We have a chance for a fresh start, don't screw it all up for a mirage.

I swear on my life, if the leafs have a better pick than us in the draft, I will go on a murderous rampage.

Happy St-Patrick's day, Motherfuckers.

Friday, March 16, 2012

Now That's What I'm Talking About


In case you weren't sure.

Montreal Skips Over Spring - The Morning Bell for Friday March 16, 2012

Today's ringer: 19 degrees Celsius

Get ready Montreal, the only remedy for no playoff hockey is summer weather.

Montreal has decided to skip over spring. No hockey playoffs, no spring weather - nope we climb right into the twenties as of this weekend. It's like Mother Nature has been thrown off kilter by the Habs performance. That was the only purpose to spring to begin with, these playoffs.

We got a taste of what that special playoff vibe feels like over the weekend. 6:30 pm last Sunday and it was nice and bright out. That usually accompanies the stir of excitement and butterflies in your stomach as the Habs would be set to take to the ice in an all-important game of a 7-game series. It's more than unfortunate that we don't get to feel that for 2 years. Maybe more.

The only way to get over that is by jumping right into summer craziness. So whatever happens, as of this weekend I want you all to parade around the city in your best thong. Man or woman. We're all going to be in thongs.

Other games in the NHL last night? Sidney Crosby comeback? Unless the Kid was playing in a thong I don't wanna hear about it. The Flames making a good push for a playoff spot? Unless Tanguay changes his name to Thonguay, I'm not interested.

It's summertime, Montreal, and it's time to party.

Don't forget, 30 cm of snow next Thursday.

Thursday, March 15, 2012

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 15th 2012

Today's honorary ringers: David Desharnais's balls

How big are this guy's balls that he feels he can fuck us over like this? You're small and you're good. We get it. Now stop fucking it all up for the rest of us. You're gonna get a huge raise, the NHL has taken notice. So enough!! Who the hell do you think you are? The Canadiens currently have 2 extra points in the standings just because of your "heroics". 2 points could be the difference between picking 2nd or picking 5th. You better hope that Ugandan kid Gauthier is gonna draft will tear the league up.

So the Habs won in a shootout last night, no thanks to DD. He also scored to give the Habs a 2-1 lead. Perhaps nobody has explained to him how the draft works. Having never been drafted himself, maybe he thinks all players are just randomly assigned to NHL teams. If that's the case, I will apologize to him. If not, he's a douche.

We're barely in last place in the east anymore. Tied with the Islanders and they have a game in hand. It's the fucking Islanders. They're gonna lose that game. We can't rely on anyone to do the losing for us. I hope these guys realize what their doing. Jerks.

Wednesday, March 14, 2012

Afternoon Munchies - The Prodigal Son Returns

Markov is back tonight in a hugely anticipated return to Bell Centre ice.

Alright, enough with that.

The season is over and I'm just glad we can bill this as the unofficial training camp of 2012-2013. Let's pray to the gods of torn ACL's that we keep losing despite scoring plenty of goals, let's hope no other draft picks get destroyed the way Nail did and the rest should take care of itself.

The only shred of mystery surrounding this season is whether or not Max Pacioretty can reach the 35-goal plateau. That's all I care about now. And whether or not Markov's knee can withstand more pressure than a snail fart.

Ok, bye now.

Monday, March 12, 2012

Game recap

Fuck You David Desharnais.

The Morning Bell for Monday March 12, 2012

Your Honorary Ringer: That hour of sleep I lost over the weekend.

I miss that hour. Haven't felt the same without it. It's only 60 minutes of time but without it I've felt a bit lost, lonely even. My sleep has been affected. My inner clock doesn't tick with the same energetic spring. The enthusiasm to live has waned and life is reduced to collections of insignificant spurts of uneventful attempts at relevance. And how we take that that hour for granted. No more. Not here. You can ring the honorary morning pk'ist bell.

The Leafs lost their most important game of the season last night. A 2-0 loss to the Caps probably ends their drive to stay alive and officially makes this collapse the greatest event in the history of sports. Actually, I'm playing to the masses here. I've always said that if my measure of success is seen through the lens of my enemies failures, I would have to recalibrate the way I see things. I don't want the Leafs to lose, unless they play the Habs or unless their game has an impact on where Montreal lies in the standings. Count me as one of those guys who doesn't cheer against a team when nothing is riding on the game. Unless of course that team is Philadelphia. Those fuckers get under my skin.

The Flames won a big one in Minny last night. Calgary did to the Wild what Washington did to Toronto. They created some healthy breathing room while all but killing their playoff dream.

It will be said around these parts that the Pittsburgh Penguins are the team to beat in the East. If I were a betting man, I would first buy Facebook shares, then I would buy Facebook itself, then I would buy an actual face because I can do without mine, and then I would bet on the Penguins winning the cup. It's amazing what these guys have accomplished without the best damn player in the game.

I love you all.

Sunday, March 11, 2012

Game Review: Habs beat Canucks. This is starting to piss me off.

At first, I thought the win in Edmonton was kind of cute. It was like watching two monkeys play ping pong. You feel guilty for enjoying the show, but it's entertaining nonetheless.

But now, after beating the mighty Canucks, on the road no less, I'm a little pissed. First of all, the win puts us just one point back of the Island Girls, who are more than capable of falling off a cliff and giving us a run for our money for a top 2 pick. Secondly, the return of Markov may have a short term spike in productivity for our impotent powerplay. And #3, Carey Price played some inspired hockey in his home town, which may get him to over achieve in the lat few games.

This is serious people. The season may be almost over, but there is still plenty of time for these morons to climb a few spots in the standings. Not so much because I think they will win more games than they lose, but because the shitty teams around us know how this works and they are going to begin tanking it soon if they see us actually trying to win. Even the fucking Leafs are closer to 15th than they are to 8th. Do they realize that even if they win EVERY game from here till the end, they probably wont make it. I'm serious. You see those 67 teams between us and 8th place? Well they play each other, so it's a guarantee one of them will pick up points in those games. And why the fuck doesn't Markov have swine flu?

Let's try this analogy. The Habs are an unemployed alcoholic. If they stay an unemployed alcoholic, the goverment will continue to send them a check every week and even pay for rehab. But if they get a job, they will make less money than the government checks and have to pay for their own rehab. But they will have pride. Pride?? Are you serious?? That disappeared when they got shut out by the Blue Jackets at home when the games actually still mattered. Trust me, pride is out he window. You stay drunk, you pick up your checks, and you go to the government sponsored rehab center in the summer. This is a no brainer.

And not only do they win, but they do it with such gusto. Like they're trying to rub our faces in it. 2 goals for Cole, PK score another on the PP, Markov is back, and our #1 center wasn't even playing. Do you know how hard it is to be upset at this?? I'm trying to be the mature one here and they're making it impossible.

Hopefully, a Buffalo team that actually has a reason to win will beat the shit out of them. Not on the scoreboard, an actual physical beating, with a chair, or perhaps a lead pipe. Not to inflict permanent damage, but enough for the Habs not to get back up and need stitches...on their scrotums.

Friday, March 9, 2012

Game Review: Pacioretty scores a pair, Habs screw it up again and win.

Ah well. You can't lose'em all right? Cheer up people, I'm sure things will turn around soon. This team has been losing all year and they're not about to stop now. Keep your chin up.

But instead of focusing on the bad (the win), let's focus on the good. The very good. A year to the day after Chara came within millimeters of paralyzing him, Max Pacioretty scored his 29th and 30th goals of the year. With any luck, he'll get to 35 and solidify his role as our team's best goal scorer. What a story. Remember kids, even if an ugly giant crushes your spine, you can always come back and score 30 goals on a shitty team.

Another bright spot was PK. The kid is turning around what was a disappointing season. If he plays like this for the last 14 games, nobody will remember the first 50. He's calmer, less selfish and way more focused.

Eller scored his 15th. If he gets anywhere near 20, it will make it a lot easier to think that he could be a legitimate 25 goal man that can also be a shut down guy. If he achieves that, nobody will complain about the trade.

In other news, a shocking development in the Markov saga. His progress has hit a snag. When he looked like he was about to return, he came down with the flu. My only hope is that it's bird flu and that he will die soon. Andrei, put us out of our misery. We can't take it anymore. Either leave town forever, or amputate your legs.

Thursday, March 8, 2012

Game preview: Habs get set for oil wrestling match

The Habs are playing tonight and RDS has a story about the impact of the front page. This is what this season has come to. Hockey is being looked over for MLS soccer. For shame! Does anybody give a shit about tonight? Does anybody truly care? I for one do. I am on a mission to finish last because I think it's for the good of the franchise.

You see, I'm a parent. The Habs are my kids. My kids are good for nothing drug addicts. But every year, they manage to hold on to their crappy jobs and survive another year. I can't convince them to lay off the pipe because to them, everything is fine. They get their pathetic paycheck every week and continue their useless existence, barely making it. What I need is for my kid to hit rock bottom, so they have no choice but to go to rehab. If I let them keep doing it their way, it may never happen. They could stay in this situation for years and years. So what I'm gonna do is sabotage their life (for their own good, of course). I will set up a sting operation with undercover cops. My kids will try to sell them some crack and a BJ and then...BOOM! Arrested for distribution and manwhoring! They spend a couple of months in a jail cell with Bubba and Tyrone and next thing you know, they're straight as an arrow and can't wait to go back to school and become surgeons.

That my friends, is how you parent.

So tonight, we have 29th place within reach. If they fuck this up and win, I will freak the fuck out. And can someone explain why the hell Carey is still playing every game? Give this kid a break.

Tune in next week when I explain how it's better to have Scott Gomez murdered. For his own good, of course.

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 8th 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Peyton Manning

Peyton was released by the alcoholic owner of the Colts on Wednesday, 24 hrs before he was set to be payed a $28 million bonus. To me, this was a sad situation but all parties got a good deal. The colts will draft a kid who is regarded as the next elite QB, Peyton gets a fresh start somewhere else instead of having this eager kid brown nosing him all season and Jim Irsay (the owner) gets to sift through tons of hate mail for letting go of the guy who singlehandedly saved the franchise. I gotta say, he handled it like a champ. No sobbing, just enough emotion so we could see how much he really cared about the fans and the city. This will either be the smartest move the Colts ever made or the dumbest.

Tonight, a battle of epic proportions will take place in Alberta. The winner get 2 points, the loser get the title of NHL's second worse team. You know where I stand. It's time the players get their asses in gear and start making it easy on me. Best case scenario is Budaj in nets for a 9-8 loss. I want to lose, but I still wanna see our guys score. I'm not an animal.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that the Leafs lost again.

Wednesday, March 7, 2012

Mario honors himself with a statue



So let me get this straight. The Penguins immortalized Mario Lemieux with a Statue of him embarrassing Rich Pilon and Jeff Norton. Ok, doesn't Mario own the team and building? Didn't he set this all up? So who exactly is he thanking in his speech? It's like a rich guy who thanks his wife for buying him a nice watch but he then pays all the bills anyways.

If you missed the speech, here it is in its entirety.

"I would like to thank the owner of this team for this great honor. Only an organization as classy as the Penguins could pull this off. When ownership called me to tell me they were planning this, I couldn't believe it. They made me feel so special. They made me feel like I was still a part of this organization. They talked to me as if I was the guy signing their paychecks. When I started playing here, I thought this place was a dump. I mean, who the hell wants to play in Pittsburgh. If I was gonna freeze my balls off, it might as well be in Canada where people gave a shit about the game. But then, after I broke all the records this team ever had and won two cups, they went bankrupt. Instead of paying me, they gave me this worthless team. Then, we bent over and a horseshoe fell right our of our ass. We won the Crosby lottery and are now a great franchise with a state of the art arena. I would like to thank Mr. Lemieux for all his generosity and for keeping this team in this god forsaken city. Thanks, and Go Steelers!"

Game review: Habs closer than ever to top 2 picks

The boys kept it together and lost last night. It looked like they might screw it up and win but cooler heads prevailed. If we end up 29th by 2 points, we'll all have Carey Price to thank. That brutal giveaway on the Flames 5th goal was pure genius. Like Stephen Hawking genius. Thank god Carey took things into his own hands. With people like Pacioretty and Desharnais actually trying to win, he had to step up.

Unfortunately, Cammalleri had a bad case of the pussy last night. He couldn't play, that's fine, but opted not to speak to the media either. I'm just bitter that Bourque layed another egg last night with zeros across the board and a -2.

If Montreal needs a new slogan to attract tourists and business people to our city, I suggest this: "Montreal, where careers come to die; in french."

Tuesday, March 6, 2012

Game preview: Crabs vs Lames

Well I for one am not excited about playing the Flames. I used to love playing les Flammes, but the Flames are boring.

The Habs face their favorite old teammate tonight when they visit Cammy in his new/old digs. He has 11 points in 21 games with the Flames. You would think that sucks until you realize that it's double the points Bourque has given us. Cammalleri may have been a selfish player and a distraction in the room, but holy shit was he worth more than Bourque. And according to their production, twice as much.

So the drive for last place continues against a team that still has hope to make the playoffs. We're obviously not gonna get any help from those shitty Oilers so we're gonna have to do it ourselves. We're the Montreal Canadiens god damnit. Nobody shows us how to lose. Nobody.

Monday, March 5, 2012

The Morning Bell for Monday March 5, 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Rory McIlroy

The kid became the 2nd youngest golfer to reach #1. I can't remember who was the youngest. Some black fella. And he did it by winning the Honda Classic by 2 strokes over that same black guy. I can't believe I can't remember his name. So embarrassing. Do you know who I'm talking about? Black guy with huge teeth? Likes hookers and porn stars? Anyways, I'm sure it will come back to me.

Big week for the Habs with a western road trip on the menu. Tonight I will be cheering the Edmonton Oilers on as they face the Ducks. A win and they creep up to 2 points back with 1 game in hand. I gotta say, the race for last is just as much fun as a race for 1st, without all the stress, insanity and pride.

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Game Review: Habs win (lose), Leafs lose (win)

So who really won last night? The team who won the game and will fight for the 8th spot and probably finish 9th or 10th, or, the team that lost the game and is now dead last with hopefully a 2nd or 3rd overall pick in its sights?

My vote goes to the latter. Last night was a great night for the believers that the Habs will go nowhere by finishing anywhere north of 15th spot in the east. We've tried being a fringe playoff team for years. It doesn't work. One fluky run to the conference finals on the back of a freakishly hot goalie doesn't justify that strategy. Not only did the Habs lose in regulation, but the teams above them won. The Isles, Bolts and Canes all picked up points and distanced themselves from us. And the cherry on the Sunday is watching the Leafs cling to the belief that they'll squeeze in. Splendid.

As for the game itself, it was the same old story. We have 3 guys who create anything offensively. Nothing will change as long as that happens. Carey couldn't do much on their goals. What can you expect when you get outshot 42-22 in your own building. I might as well copy paste that for the rest of the season. Another reason they got outplayed is that the Habs iced a $36M team last night. With all those injuries, that was our payroll. You ain't gonna win much with that.

The best part is that the team leaves for what is usually a horrendous western road trip. Going 0-3 could solidify our hold on last spot in the east. It would also mean that the Oilers beat us and that we might be closer to 29th.

I know some of you might not agree with my hopes of seeing them lose the rest of the way. I understand how you feel. It took some time before I saw the light. But if common sense doesn't do it for you, perhaps this will. What do you think will happen is this team turns it on and finishes the season strong. Do you think that maybe Geoff Molson will think that Pierre Gauthier gets a stay of execution? Maybe he feels the status quo is the way to go. Heeeeelllll no. I don't want anything to do with this management team. I want them all out. Gainey, Gauthier, and Cunneyworth. Losing consistently and finishing an embarrassing last place is the best way to ensure that. It will also give the new GM a nice present with the 2nd or 3rd overall pick. It's the least we can do for the poor bastard who takes this job and gets run out of town 3 years later.

Friday, March 2, 2012

Maple Leafs fire Tom Hanks' old volleyball

The Maple Leafs have fired Ron Wilson and replaced him with Burke BFF Randy Carlyle. You rarely see a coach get fired this late into the season but Burke didn't really have a choice. Toronto has lost 6 straight and is now 5 points out of 8th.

This move is brilliant. They should get a boost from this hiring, making them a solid 9th place team. I love it.

Game Review: Habs blow load in less than 4 minutes. I mean lead.

I can't believe this team keeps finding ways to disappoint me. Make no mistake about it. I want this team to lose. Every. Single. Game. But when they don't lose, i want to see them show flashes of the team they could be in the near future. That's what I saw in the first 55 minutes of this game. Then, without warning, they shat the bed. Scratch that. Shit can somehow be cleaned up. This was some kind of rectal discharge that seeps deep into fabric and can never be removed.

How the hell can you let that happen on home ice. 3 goals in less than 4 minutes?? And then, to make things worse, they win in a shootout. So basically, that whole display was for nothing. Instead of a win we can actually be proud of, we get this. A loss would have at least pushed us in the right direction. We'd be 1 point closer to 29th place. Now we get the 2 points in an embarrassing way. A loss tonight would have made me want to beat the Leafs Saturday, but now we can't risk going on a winning streak. We need to lose to Toronto, even if that means they would inch closer to 8th. We have to keep the faith that they will finish 9th or 10th and we'll stay in the basement. That is the way god intended it.

If anyone was wondering what the difference between Cunneyworth and Martin was, look no further than the way they treat rookies. Blake Geoffrion got 12 minutes of ice in his Bell Center debut. Not only that, but he got on the starting lineup so the fans could acknowledge that he is a 4th generation Hab. Good for Randy for letting the kid have his moment.

Another bright spot to me was Ryan White. God I love how this kid plays like he doesn't give a shit for his own safety. He goes after anybody at any time. With him and Staubitz in the lineup, the Habs are 34% less douchy.

Now get back to the business of losing. Daddy wants an under-performing Russian first round pick!

Thursday, March 1, 2012

Game Preview: Habs vs Wild

How on earth is this game on Hockey Night in Canada? Someone at CBC will surely get canned when they pull in ratings lower than the National Geographic special on the masturbating patterns of lamas.

Also, before we get into the game, it was reported that Alex Ovechkin tipped the scales at 242 pounds earlier this season. That's good for 15th heaviest in the league. WTF?? How many Mr. Big bars did you wolf down while filming those lame-ass commercials??

Now, about the game. When the most important thing about it is the fact that Blake Geoffrion is playing, then you know you're in trouble. Yes, the kid will be the 4th generation to play for this franchise and that's quite an accomplishment, but holy shit are we scraping the bottom of the barrel to come up with story lines.

So the moral of the story is: Don't watch it. It's gonna suck. If we lose, it will be boring. If we win, I will throw my TV out the window because we'd be getting further from the top 2 draft picks. It's a no win situation. Much like the Habs season. No win. Get it? Is this thing on?

The Morning Bell for Thursday March 1st 2012

Today's honorary ringer: Poland

The country is officially less valuable than Apple. Apple's market cap crossed 500 billion (what Gauthier will offer Gomez when his current contract is up), making it more valuable than several countries. Who knows, maybe next year it will be known as iPoland.

Habs try and extend their losing streak tonight versus an equally cold team. Minnesota is 6 points back of 8th in the West and has no chance of leap frogging 3 teams to get there. Let's be honest. There is absolutely no sense in winning any more games this year. It would be totally counter productive. Which is exactly why I expect this team to start winning with 5 or 6 games left, thus ruining our chances at the top 2 picks.

The silver lining is that Toronto is still slipping in the Standings. They currently sit in 10th, which is exactly where we want them. It's starting to look like Washington will get on a bit of a run and solidify its hold on 8th, although I'm really pulling for Winnipeg. Those fans have to live in Winnipeg all year. They need this.